I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
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Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize