Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
