my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
