Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I love you.
Bad choice
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
