Redeem this text for a blowjob
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
