i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ass is underappreciated
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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