There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The power of my boobs compel you
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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