I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
