Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
