I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
