u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
