Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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