What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
