Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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