i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
