only if we run a train.
done.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
