He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
