here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
