This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
