for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
