OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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