I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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