he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
