Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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