Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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