No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
