she woke up with a sticky ear
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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