I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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