Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
