Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
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WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants