walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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