I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
