birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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