I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
