Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
