I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
