On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
