ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We are all done wearing pants today
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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