I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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