i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
