my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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