Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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