remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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