And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
