my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
