Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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