woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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