The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
