Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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