Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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