someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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