dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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