if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize