just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
