she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
