i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
