What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
